Is There Somewhere?
by Hope You Will Always Stay
Summary: Drugs, cheap burgers, failing grades. That's pretty much all his life consisted of at that point.


**_I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight..._**

 ** _Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, nor do I own any characters._**

* * *

"This is where it begins."

Alfred laughed and let himself be spun around on the carpet of the floor, his socks easing the friction. Ivan smiled behind him, violet eyes bright and happy and everything Alfred had ever wanted. He felt himself be dipped by his pale boyfriend and all of a sudden they were in the midst of a waltz, Ivan graceful and Alfred struggling to keep up with his two left feet. Laughter rang out like tinkling bells, and it was like music all around them. Happiness was tangible, a living and breathing thing come to life as blue and violet eyes met, heads tilting and pink lips pressing together in a chaste kiss.

He had never been happier, of this Alfred was certain. In his eighteen years of life he knew he had never felt this much, wanted this much, and it was overwhelming and he felt like he was drowning when he looked at Ivan but it was so good. Better than he imagined his life would ever turn out. At this point he though he'd be dead and rotting on some back street, overdosed on some new drug or shot because he opened his big mouth at the wrong time. If he was honest he always thought he'd die before he was twenty, had always _wanted_ to because wasn't live fast and die young the motto? He'd changed his mind though, he knew, as Ivan gently swayed them back and forth. This was bliss, this was heaven, this was all he could ever want...

Then, in a flash, it was gone.

The two teens heard Ivan's front door open, and shoes creak on the wooden floorboards and they both knew Ivan's father was home. Alfred frowned as the Russian drew away from him and he was left standing, trying not to show how much he missed the touch. Ivan smiled at him weakly, but Alfred couldn't muster up the will to smile back as Mr. Braginski threw open the bedroom door and greeted the two boys with the information that dinner should be prepared soon.

Alfred sighed, plopping down on the bed as he gathered his books in his lap and began reading the History assignment that was due next week. His eyes strayed back up to the Russian boy sitting on the floor and their eyes met briefly before Ivan turned away. His sisters came home with their father, after all, and if he were caught doing anything with Alfred he would be in serious trouble.

The American couldn't help but wish their little piece of heaven could've lasted longer, that they could just pretend they were in love a few seconds more.

* * *

"This is where _we_ begin."

Alfred sighed, feeling Ivan attack his neck with kisses as he was pinned against the others bed. It wouldn't be long until they had to stop, until Ivan's family was home, until Alfred would have to return to his empty home. He'd be there alone with his dolls of family members. His doll of a father, fake and plastic and ever the gentleman with more than a slight drinking problem. His cheater of a mother, just as fake with even more plastic and a list of names in her phone that she didn't even try to hide from her husband. His twin brother, possibly the fakest of them all with his perfect innocent smile and angel like qualities when he was really nothing but a suicidal drug dealer. The American closed his eyes as tears welled, forcing himself back into the moment, to focus on Ivan's tounge that trailed up his neck.

He lost himself in the moment, just as Ivan did, and they didn't hear the door open and the shoes creak on the wooden floorboards. They didn't hear the footsteps climbing the stairs, lighter than those of Ivan's father, and they didn't even hear the door be pushed open silently.

They heard Natalia's scream, though, and her curses and cutting words.

They sprung apart but it was too late, because everyone had heard the damning word slip off her tounge as she cursed the two teen boys. Ivan's father stomped up the stairs with Katyusha following behind him ever so quickly. Alfred lay on the bed, numb with shock that the fairytale was over and there was no happy ending. There would be no riding off into the sunset, no more stolen kisses on cheeks, no more Ivan. He was only startled back into reality when he felt a steel grip on his arm toss him in the direction of the bedroom door. Mr. Braginski, Alfred knew without a second though, because Ivan would never touch him like that. As Katyusha gently grabbed his hand and led the dumb boy out of the room, the American couldn't bear to look back at Ivan.

As he left the house, a single word replayed in his head over and over.

 _Gay_.

* * *

The next day at school Ivan had a busted lip and a black eye. Got into a fight over some asshole bullying Katyusha, he said, and everyone believed him because they knew how defensive the boy was over his eldest sister. Despite her having graduated, boys constantly teased her and Ivan would regularly get into fights for the kind woman. They all believed him because they didn't know, they didn't know about Ivan's father and how he was insistent on having perfect children ever since his wife had died. How he wanted to marry his daughters off to wealthy men and have Ivan continue the family business with a beautiful wife at his side.

 _Wife_. Such a simple wore, such a simple word that hurt Alfred to his very core.

The Russian teenager refused to talk to him all day. Natalia glared at him hatefully, and though she had always done that before it seemed worse now. The glare held true anger behind it, hate, a sense of I blame you for everything that's gone wrong. Alfred had been friends with Ivan for years and in all this time the American knew their dollhouse was just as broken as his own home. They were better at keeping it under wraps but it seemed one kiss and two boys were just enough to make the foundation crumble. Everything was broken now, for Ivan at least, and Alfred guessed it was only suiting that he would bring nothing but destruction to the one he loved the most. That's all he could do, after all. Bring destruction.

* * *

By the end of the week, Ivan had a girlfriend. It was sudden, Alfred knew, and Mr. Braginski must've forced the decision. Ivan was a good actor, though, and it hurt Alfred so much when he saw them together. A sweet but naïve Chinese girl named Chun-Yan, Alfred didn't know her well but he knew he hated her. With gorgeous looks and a sharp mind to back it up she was everything Ivan needed, just as Alfred was everything Ivan _didn't_ need.

He saw them one day, walking home and keeping his eyes trained on the ground as he passed. Chun-Yan was laughing, a high pitched tinkering noise, and Ivan was talking and it hurt Alfred _so fucking much_. His heart twisted and his stomach hurt and he wanted to vomit so badly but when he looked behind him it was worse. Ivan hadn't even glanced at him, staring deep into his girlfriends eyes, and just to add injury to the wound he reached down and grabbed her hand.

If Alfred had ever truly wanted to die, it would've been in that moment.

* * *

All he knew was that he wanted to get the process over with so he could get to the reward. It was a pain in the ass sometimes, especially finding the money to pay for his one way ticket to oblivion, but as the needle pierced his skin an the drug entered his veins he forgot everything. He forgot about all the begging he had to do to get the heroine, how hesitant Matt had been about giving it to him despite him having the money, about that night on the bed with Ivan, about seeing Chun-Yan with Ivan. He forgot about everything that was even related with Ivan and let him sink into the euphoria that waited him. This intoxication, this feeling of floating, and Alfred couldn't remember what was troubling him in the first place.

That is until a harsh grip knocked the needle out of his hand and jerked him out of his crouch. Panicking Alfred tried to grasp for that feeling of bliss, that feeling of something other than _pain_ , the happiness and intoxication of the drug but it was already gone. Reality crashed through his brain as he realized what his position was; standing in some dingy back ally at two in the afternoon with a certain Russian woman gripping his arm tightly.

"Is this what you fall back on?" Katyusha spoke through her tears, "Is this what he has driven you to do?"

Alfred couldn't answer, he could simply stare as the woman lost what little composure she had left. He was pulled into a hug by her, but he couldn't feel the warmth. Instead all he could feel was cold reality seeping into his bones and he couldn't help but think if she really cared all that much...she would've just left him in his high.

* * *

It got worse and everyone knew he was back on that downward slippery slope that Ivan had saved him from once before. It was ironic, truly, that the man that saved him was the one that put him back into this situation. Alfred seemed to have gotten so bad that even his dysfunctional, broken family had noticed. His mother had tried to sit down with him once to talk, but Alfred hadn't said a word. His father tried to talk with him one night after he came home from the bar, but all that resulted in was Alfred having to drag him upstairs. The worse one, though, was Matthew.

Alfred knew his brother had good intentions when he stopped selling him drugs, but all it did was hurt Alfred more. He'd go a week without shooting up and then the withdrawal would enter his life with a devastating slap, forcing Matt to give him more heroine so he could actually function. It was a roundabout cycle that Alfred couldn't escape from before, eventually, he stopped trying and let himself be dragged down into a deep pit of pain and heartache.

It wasn't long before his grades dropped and the rumor at school began. Two years ago Alfred had got off drugs with Ivan's help and raised his grades, but now he was right back where he started. Senior year and he was fucking everything up. It came with little shock, though, as everyone eventually expected him to screw up and be right back where he belonged. The bottom. Teachers tried speaking with him, quizzing him as to why he went from a B average to a D within months. Were there home issues, bullying? Should he be sent to the guidance counselor? Alfred could do nothing but shake his head at their questions and wait until he got in the bathroom to break down sobbing.

* * *

It wasn't until five months after the incident that Ivan found the guts to face him. The Russian teenager looked pretty much the same, lip now healed and all traces of a black eye gone, but Alfred looked like hell. The American knew this and he wasn't upset or ashamed of the fact. He just couldn't find a single fuck to give when they'd all been smashed along with his happiness five months ago.

"What are you doing?" The thick, accented voice brought up memories that Alfred didn't care to relive.

It might give him hope, after all, and at this point that was something he couldn't stand. To be given a chance, the room to dream, the ability to fall. The possibility of being happy again only to have it crushed once more like it had been so many fucking times before.

Alfred let out a raspy laugh, like he hadn't been talking in awhile, and flippantly waved his hand, "No idea what you mean."

With his hollow cheeks and gaunt appearance, Alfred knew he couldn't bullshit Ivan. It looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks and that was mainly attributed to the fact that he only ate at Ivan's house. His dad burned all their money away drinking and the only way his mom got food was through her multiple boy toys and, of course, Matt got just enough to survive from the drugs. That left Alfred to almost fend for himself and he was too damn proud to go to his brother for help. No, the only thing he went to his brother for was to restock his supply of drugs so he could be happy for once in this hell he called his life. Being happy was more important than food, right? In Alfred's mind it was, so he lived of the occasional cheap burger and poured the rest of his money into the drugs that gave him some light in this dark sea of regret and hopelessness.

"Don't." Ivan whispered, reaching forward to grab his hand, "Don't do this, Alfred, not again."

Sneering, the American teen jerked his body back, glaring at the Russian, "Don't you have a girlfriend to tend to?"

Ivan flinched as though he was slapped. The violet eyed man pursed his lips, casting his eyes downward, before seeming to find his courage again and looking at Alfred dead on.

"I know what's going on. Katyusha told me, _F_ _redka_. I know about the drugs, and I want to know why!"

Tilting his head slightly, Alfred narrowed his eyes and spat out the word like a bullet, with full intent of harming and injuring, "You."

With that, he turned on his heel and left Ivan standing there behind the school.

* * *

He lost track of time after the encounter with Ivan. It could've been a week later of a month for all he knew, and the time blurred together. Drugs, cheap burgers, failing grades. That's pretty much all his life consisted of at that point. It never ended, a cycle he didn't even care to break at this point.

That is, until he was innocently trying to order a goddamned burger in McDonald's of the dollar menu and Ivan, fucking _Ivan_ , grabbed him out of the line and dragged him out back. All of a sudden they were behind the fast food joint and he was being kissed and he _knew_ Ivan could feel his ribs and for once he was upset with how he had treated his body these past months. The kiss was almost like heroine, that euphoric intoxication that made him want more, but Alfred knew this wouldn't last. It would never last with them, and that's what made Alfred pull away.

Breathing hard, hazy blue eyed glanced over Ivan's shoulder, "You need to stop."

"Why?" His fingers pressed hard into Alfred's fragile arms, and his breath was so hot on Alfred's face, "Why do I need to stop?"

 _He's actually going to make me say it_ , Alfred though as he stared at the violet eyed man. The cruel, monster of a man for just pouring lemon juice into an open wound.

"Because of your girlfriend." Alfred tried to keep his face blank, to keep himself from showing how much he _wanted_ Ivan, "You have a girlfriend."

Ivan frowned and leaned in, capturing his lips once more, "I had a boyfriend first."

Sighing, Alfred hung his head and hid himself from Ivan's view, "Well I figured it was over after you went months without talking to me."

He felt Ivan's body shudder against his, "I was scared, _Fredka_. You know my father...since mother passed all those years ago..."

"I know." Alfred swallowed and moved his arms which had previously hung limp at his sides to clutch Ivan's arms like a lifeline, "I-I understand."

"No-!" The Russian stopped and sighed, "Alfred, please-!"

"I understand why you need a girlfriend, a wife. Something I can't be." Tear came unbidden as the numbness faded and was replaced by a white hot pain, "I-I'm sorry I...didn't mean to...I'm hopeless."

"No." Ivan breathed out, hot air tickling Alfred's face, "Alfred you're perfect."

The American looked up and gave him a strange look, " _I'm_ the one doing drugs, not you."

"I broke up with her you know." Ivan had ignored his comment in favor of pressing their foreheads together, "I told my father how I felt bout everything. I-I'm just sorry it took so long."

Alfred closed his eyes, knowing how that conversation with Mr. Braginski went before asking, "What...?"

"I'll have a few bruises of the chest and around the ribcage, but other than that." Ivan chuckled, "It was worth it."

"What about the...business? The family business that's what you're going to college for and-?" The violet eyed man cut him off with a kiss

"And who else can my father give it to? He's old for having two kids still in high school, you always did call him a cradle robber as he was so much older than my mother. He can have no other children and train them in time to take over like he has me. He'll just have to suck it up and not associate with us outside business transactions."

It made him feel warm, so much better than the cold, when Ivan said us.

"Your sisters...? They are...?"

"Katyusha likes you better than Chun-Yan." A hand brushed Alfred's face as the blue eyed man flinched at the name, "My eldest sister says she was...ah... _pretentious_. Natalia, of course, is like my father."

Swallowing, Alfred carefully moved his hands from gripping Ivan's arms, to gently hugging the man around the waist. Burying his in the taller man's chest, Alfred felt white hot tears spill down his cheeks and felt Ivan's shirt grow wet but neither man cared.

" _Nyet_... _Fredka_...don't cry." Ivan stroked his hair, "Don't cry."

"I missed you." Alfred tried to stem the flow of tears, "So much. I just, I missed you."

"And I you." Ivan cradled Alfred in his arms, gently hugging the teenagers thin body, "You have to promise me something though."

"I know." Alfred sniffed, "I'll try. I'll try to get better and not be so unstable because that's what I am. I know and I don't understand why you'd-"

"Because you're Alfred, for all your many flaws and imperfections, you're Alfred."

"Hey!" The American protested weakly, "I thought you said I was perfect!"

The man smiled down at him and, leaning in for a chaste kiss so much like the ones they shared before this whole mess began, "Forgive my slip up. You _are_ perfect, _Fredka_."

"So..." Alfred began shakily, "Can we...can we pretend we're in love?"

Ivan shook his head gently, "I'm horribly sorry, Alfred, but I'm already in love. There will be no pretending."

"Really? You could really love me?"

"Yes." The Russian pulled away from their long lasting hug, "What do you want?"

"I just want to feel your lips on my skin."

A small smile tugged at the mans lips, "Can it wait until we get to the car? I don't want our first official...ah...love making to be behind a McDonald's."

"Too bad I don't care." Alfred weakly managed to pull Ivan down and connected their lips, "And really? Love making?"

"Hush." And sweeping Alfred up bridal style, despite his loud complains, Ivan carried him off to his car.

Alfred never got his burger and when he felt Ivan's lips against his neck he decided he could go without burgers, drugs, failing grades, and whatever else if it meant this is what he'd have his entire life. Because he fell in love all those nights five months ago and he fell in love again in Ivan's care outside a fast food place and he knew this wouldn't be the last time he fell in love. Every day he'd find something new about Ivan, and he'd sink deeper. Because it wasn't pretending, and he didn't want to be dead anymore, and he'd finally stopped the cycle of pain he'd been feeling for so long.

"Ivan why the hell do you have lube in the goddamned glove compartment?"

"I was being prepared!"

"For _who_?"

"Who do you think, _Fredka_?"

* * *

 _ **A/N: Because I'm cheesy trash and it was intended to end with Alfred dying but I couldn't do that to my babies. So instead Ivan saves Alfred from himself once more. Pffft and Alfred says he's the hero. Yeah, right.**_

 _ **Again I'm sorry that was cheesy but hey guess who got her first girlfriend? That's right, this lovely Pansexual did! Her name is Maria and she's from Portugal and I love her so much. It's a long distance relationship but hey she's fucking perfect so I can't complain at all!**_

 _ **Drop a review please! I'd greatly appreciate the feedback!**_


End file.
